The Homestead Saga Continues

It’s been a month since I last updated you on where our house stands, and many things have happened since then. Everything just happens… So much. And behind the scenes, we now impatiently await the next step.

When we last spoke, I described building a house like a point and click adventure game. I still stand by this comparison. We are still waiting for the surveyor to make the final adjustments and officially put the deed in my name, apparently he’s still waiting for the rapture or something. In the meantime, however, we have acquired a few items to aid us in our quest.

  • Official Sewer Permit
  • Water application (which was ridiculous in price, do they think they’re Farragut?)
  • Electricity application
  • Money
  • An address
  • The house

The steps to get the address turned out not to be as simple as I believed. When I’d first called, I’d been informed that you just needed to speak to the postmaster, and that they would take it from there. Nay nay, for there are many red and yellow tapes to cross before one can get even the most basic items. First off, it required a phone call, which does not sound too difficult in and of itself, but you see, those things are very much made for you neurotypicals.

For someone neurodivergent, phone calls can be very difficult. First off, cell reception is awful here. Second of all, even if the cell reception is good, my brain is more of a forest than a trees thing, so I can hear everything, and therefore nothing. Third of all, I have to over-articulate everything to be understood by folks who are often not willing to meet me halfway. Fourth of all, there is no record of the conversation afterward so I can write down important information to look over later as needed. (E-mails are the Superior form of communication and anyone who says you can’t convey tone over them is a Fool and a Bad Writer.) So as you can imagine, phone calls? Terrible. 0/10.

Well this wasn’t just one phone call. Oh no. Nay Nay.

Let me show you.

  1. Call the Postmaster, only to receive an intern who said they’d call back by end of day(EOD)
  2. EOD occurs with no callback.
  3. Call back in the morning. No answer.
  4. Call back again in the morning. No answer.
  5. Call back again 2 hours later. Finally acquire postmaster. Postmaster says these are not the droids you’ve been looking for.
  6. Acquire number to emergency services (???) to get address (?!?!?!?!?!? … WHY.)
  7. Call emergency services again because transferred to the wrong person. (Good thing it wasn’t an ACTUAL EMERGENCY.)
  8. Finally get transferred to the True Address Giver. He is not the droids I’ve been looking for either.
  9. Call the other county’s emergency services, because even though my address is in one county, the county next door has jurisdiction over it for some??? Reason???
  10. Acquire Address, Feel like God.

Can the neurotypicals just make it available to folks who would rather have a paper trail of e-mails, please? Get on that guys. It’s a good thing I’m not deaf or I’d have never gotten an address, and that seems like an extreme oversight on your part. So, you know. Fix that.

Address debacle aside, we had a different huge thing occur this month. We actually chose the model of the house we’ll live in. Yeah, it seems late in the game, I know. But the one we’d chosen already apparently got discontinued because… Reasons, I guess. So, my fiance, Mothra, and I went down to a Clayton in Sevierville to find another.

We somehow made the same mistake my school did on prom night: going to Pigeon Forge on Rod Race day. There were so many cars that a group of South Carolina college students (or high school students? I don’t know they all look like actual infants to me) were able to walk through the standstill traffic and hand out Mardi Gras-style beads. By the time we managed to escape the crowds, we had to make a pit stop at Taco Bell to refuel. I drank a large Baja Blast in one go. It matched my beads.

If you are reading this, South Carolina nebulously-aged not(?)children, thank you.

That aside, we did actually find a house that my fiance loved, so a hold was placed, exterior shutters and colors were chosen (black and olive, respectively), and it will arrive on June 28th, a mere 10 days after my birthday. I like to call it my birthday present to myself. The model, for those of you who care, is called the Breeze. Although I’m not a fan of the cabinet color, I’m just happy to have an affordable roof over our heads, and place for all my Pokemon plushies to sit.

Now we just need to light a fire beneath the surveyor, and get everything ready for the arrival of the home, which will hopefully be a breeze. Yes, that was on purpose too.

Before I leave you, I must share a minor anecdote when discussing electricity with the local engineer. As it turns out, they will not put up the pole until the house is already on a permanent foundation (or otherwise Will Not Move.) Why is this, my Mothra questioned, and I have the answer for you. Apparently in the past when people have acquired mobile homes, they really held on to that “mobile” thing. So, once the pole had been placed, they decided to move continuously, and managed to somehow move the house into the pole. So now, until the house is where it’d going to be, the pole will not be placed.

Until next time!@

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